Tom Cruise SUED for $34 million and SUING for $50 million (up $16 mill?)

You may assume that one of the lawsuits involves his drunken surfer boy neighbor, Jason Sullivan (the dude detained yesterday for hopping Tom Cruise’s fence instead of his own, after first being tasered by security). But, no, actually Tom has no beef with Jason…well…besides one neighborly suggestion—take it easy on the booze.

The lawsuit filed against Tom Cruise is an even more bizarre story. Interestingly, just as Tom recommits to Scientology, crazy people seem to be springing up all around him. A $34 million lawsuit against was filed in Delaware under the Whistleblower Protection Act by a a man calling himself ‘Slim Shady Holmes,’ who in addition to the millions is also asking for the for custody of Suri.

Hmmm…is this for real? Is he trying to ask: ‘will the the real baby daddy please stand up?’ Ok, so this story appears to be a big fat joke, but it gets pretty hilarious, so that it is worth reading on—promise. The lawsuit includes outlandish claims and an incredible amount of typos/grammatical errors. The following are a few of our favorite accusations, of which this man feels warrant him receiving a $34 million payment for enduring:

• Tom dancing in his underwear with John Travolta
• Tom being back on the prowl and soon impregnating Octomom
• Tom pretending to be the Last Samurai and attacking him

As completely NUTS (or wasted) as all of that sounds, Slim Shady Holmes’ reasoning for wanting custody of Suri seems pretty realistic:

• She’s being “brainwashed” into Scientology
• He fears Tom will indoctrinate her with repeats of Dawson’s Creek.

(Ok the second bullet point was ridiculous.)

Something this man couldn’t have know back when he filed this claim on July 5, 2012 was that after treating Suri to an elaborate trip to Disney World, Tom would then go 88 days (and counting) without seeing her. THAT is the Cruise News of REAL concern. The lack of involvement in Suri’s life has opened up all kinds of speculation. Here are the two major conclusions folks have drawn:

1. Scientologists are not supposed to have any contact with members of the Church who fly the coop; hence both Katie AND Suri. Disney World is rumored to have been his ‘big goodbye.’ That may seems a tad harsh, even for Scientology, but the protocol has been confirmed by former Scientology spokesperson Mike Rinder, as well as by Nancy Many, former president of Scientology’s Celebrity Center.
2. It could jeopardize his $50 million lawsuit against Life & Style and In Touch by exposing intimate details of his parenting skills and religious affiliation. However, seeing that the very thing he is suing them over—defamation of character for accusing Tom of abandoning his daughter—going months without seeing Suri seems even riskier.